Monday, September 27, 2010

Too Strange To Title

This is non-bikey, but so weird that I can't not post about it. I know we kid around a lot, but this is no shit . . .

A coupla years ago, Patty got an heirloon lilac start at some event she went to. She potted it and has been tending to it ever since. Just yesterday, she was looking at it, admiring how well it was doing. It was probably 30 or 36" tall.

This afternoon, she was putting out some stuff we're donating to ARC for collection tomorrow and noticed this:

So sometime overnight or during today, someone walked up on our front porch, cut down our fledgling lilac bush, and then walked back down the steps with it, out the sidewalk and down the street. Or maybe there was a getaway car involved. If ever there was a situation that begged for a front porch webcam, this is it.

The cuts are very clean. Surgical even. Someone who takes great pride in their pruning shears. There are other lilac bushes in the immediate vicinity that were left untouched.

Part of me wants to be pissed, but I'm just too freakin' bewildered. I couldn't imagine this happening in a zillion years of imagining. And I have questions:

Should I call the cops and ask them to put out an APB for our missing branches?

Maybe I should cruise the pawn shops?

How long were they casing our joint, and if the crime was committed after dark, did they use night vision goggles to spot our valuables?

Should I call in to the Phyllis Stephens radio show this saturday and ask if she knows of any master gardners with criminal backgrounds?

This has to be an inside job. As in a neighborhood nutjob. I'm having a hard time imagining someone road-tripping from Northwood to cruise South Hill neighborhoods looking for sprigs to kipe. Although anything is possible at this point. But assuming I'm right, there's a possibility that we could run across the re-planted shoots during a stroll through the 'hood. If the perpetrator turns out to be an old lady, should I punch her out?

I don't ask much of you, or anything, really. But I could sure use some help putting a theory together on this one.


Anonymous said...

Forget it, Jake. It's Lilac City.

Anonymous said...

I have your plant. If you ever want to see it again. Leave a shitty coffee mug and bag of skittles near the mailbox at Super1.

Anonymous said...

Just kidding, I don't have your plant. I couldn't resist. Carry on.

Jason Gilman said...

That is complete madness Pat. If it was on your front proch how visible was it from the street? I agree that the culprit is probably someone from your neighborhood. You might ask a few of your neighbors if they saw anything weird like that.

Anonymous said...

I suspect Patty.

The bit about the lilac being an "heirloom" variety sounds a little too pat. Or, perhaps a little too Pat.

You see, some women unconsciously seek shrubbery that reminds them of their husbands. By nurturing the shrubbery they can show their love.

Of course, in some cases, other emotions may be expressed.

Pat, you may wish to hide the pruning shears.

Pat S said...

Very funny about the shrubbery as husbands theory. Like I believe that for a minute. I am soooooo scared. Boo!

(But hell, exactly where are those shears, anyway?)

Um, I gotta go check on something. I'll catch up with you later.

EvilElf said...

I wish there was a way to stem this branch of thievery.

Alex said...

I had some flowers on my house, this side of the fence.
I started noticing one or two at a time going missing, but I couldn't explain it.
Finally one Sunday morning I was coming back from out of town, very early in the morning (around 5:30am) I saw an elder woman carrying a small dog in a handbag in front of my flowers. As I was watching her from inside the car (parked a few yards away) she took a big spoon from her bag and proceeded to take a couple of my plants.
After consulting with the wife we decided not to do anything but stop replacing them for a while.
The woman didn't stop until all of them were gone!
We realized that if somebody of that age was in need of stealing our plants, she was either really poor (?) or mentally unstable. In any case, not worth to bring more problems to her life, and ours.
Take it easy!