Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Letter Rip

Dear Mr. Foreman:

My beloved George Foreman grill died and went to appliance heaven last November. I instantly knew what I wanted for Christmas and my lovely bride scraped and scrimped just so she could see me smile on Christmas morning. Due to the high cost, she was unable to purchase the coal we needed for heat, and it was 37 degrees in our house on Christmas morning. I did my best to deliver the smile she longed for through chattering teeth. We both hoped it would be worth the sacrifice.

It probably works better than the last one, but how in the hell would I know??? There's not enough cord to plug it in, you cheap bastard. Cyclists and other Americans need lean protein. But we don't want it raw. I helped you build your empire and this is the thanks I get???

I thought we were friends, George. You even introduced me to your sons. Now I hope that one of them knocks you out when you are sparring and delusional about how you are so ageless. I see how this works: 6 inches of Chinese cord x $.00004/inch x 1 bazillion customers = $247 more dollars in your pocket. Not even enough to fill the tank in your Hummer.

Now I'm gonna have to splice an inadequate extension cord on with some duct tape and other dangerous stuff. When my house burns down and I can't get my dog out in time, it's on you, bro. Think about that next time you decide to shorten your cord by another 6 inches. Thanks a bazillion, dawg.


Pat S in Spokane


Jacque Hendrix said...

That was good for a chuckle.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Don't anyone go messing with Pat S. in Spokane!

Karen Sprute Francovich said...

It could be worse, but it also could be better. Think about it.

For example:
Worse would be a Foreman grill, filled with poop. See? Worse.

Better would be a Foreman grill with no poop. See? Better.

Ah, now you feel better. A short cord, but hey! No poop.

Karen and Eli (Eli and Karen)(see it's the same thing, not better or worse))

Pat S said...

Well, when you put it that way . . . yeah. Well, I guess. Hmmmm.

I'll bet a GF grill sounds pretty rare and weird in India.

Human Poop, obviously, not so rare or weird.